The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
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I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Where is your GOD now????
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me