My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
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Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
The biggest mystery of our time
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.