plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
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COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
LOOOOOOL
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.