Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
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me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
titanic
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.