This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
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remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Are we there yet?…
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.