I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
You Might Also Like
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities