There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
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ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner