OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
#have a #great #PancakeDay
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share