Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
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My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Terribly Tuesday.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.