5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.