It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
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Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓