Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
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Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.