Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
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He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
it’s the silliest best thing