Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
You Might Also Like
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.