So the ex texted me
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It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.