I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
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Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Writing, She Murdered.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.