Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
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Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
New mindset, who dis?
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.