They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
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My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question