I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
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Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER