me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
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The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…