Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
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Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Jogging has never helped my memory.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”