Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
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could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
We like the way Dwight thinks
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
You know I’m something of a chef myself
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
ok hear me out: Luigiana
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.