Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
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[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
meanwhile over on facebook
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.