me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
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Otters drive ottermobiles.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?