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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate