HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
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NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved