Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
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If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
She: I like Cats
He:
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.