I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
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*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace