The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
You Might Also Like
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Saw your ex at the shops
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
the short answer to this question
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter