[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
This was the best day of my life
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already