Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
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Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something