If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
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I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
twitter users today:
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out