Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
You Might Also Like
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
How funny!
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.