I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
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*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!