If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
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It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.