I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
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2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”