I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
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People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.