Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
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It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]