My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
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I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
this is what they would have looked like, though
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
My birth announcement for our third baby
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation