Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
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“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.