sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
never ask a starfish for directions
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.