People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
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Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Some people were born into their job.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.