boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
You Might Also Like
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Super Hand Dog Face
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Cndnsd Mlk
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.