Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
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new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.