Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
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Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?