*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
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You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.