Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
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I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Don’t frighten the programmers!
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*