Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
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When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS