I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
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Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.