im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
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No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight